BTW....Ex wife found son on the playboy website..... definately time for "the talk." Son is almost eleven now... showing signs that the "change" is about to begin. I've been teasing him for almost a year now about having "the talk" with him... sort of prepping him for the inevetiable.
It went well. He now knows everything..... including the fact that i am gay.
That was the last child to come out to......
Monday, July 13, 2009
Novella
Where, oh where to begin? I realized that if I don't post soon that my mexican novella life will have moved far to far on to even begin to capture the true essence of what has come to pass.
First.... the group meeting did not happen. BF spent week prior dealing with his alcoholic brother.... I went ahead and posted a reminder of this meeting to those in the group because he specifically asked me to (and we did have a long talk about my discomfort with the group and had worked out a solution...not perfect, but one that was workable for me.) Anyway part of this solution included him posting to the group that it was NOT A HOOK UP MEETING. As I suspected.... no one showed up. He really feels called to do this thing.... this helping of men to deal with their sexuality. The problem is that he has yet to deal with aspects of his own sexuality... and the solution that he wants to propose is not in reality a solution that anyone who wants to follow God should be doing....It creates hurt and uses people. A bit more in the open, but uses them none the less. I feel for him, but remain convinced that the call is there; but is in a far different area than he is able to embrace at this time. We ended up going to a movie.
Then.... my ex turns up pregnant from BF #8. Lots of drama there, too. Her family continues to be upset with her.....she miscarried last night. My feelings.... ambivelent.....however, she is not my problem. I did finally meet #8 when I picked up the kids from her apartment last night. I was a bit angry because she had promised me that she would not have him stay over while she had the kids..... Kids told me opposite happened. It was almost funny... when kids opened the door #8 quickly exited to back room. Ex wife had to call him back out.... he gave off body language that demonstrated embarassement and shame. He would not look me in the eye and talked little. Definately he did not read his "man book." Always look them in the eye. Never admit defeat... and don't show weakness. He lost on all three accounts.
Kids were hurt and upset by the pregnancy. Son asked her if she would still love him. Middle child curled up under pool table and cried for forty minutes. Eldest cussed her out.
Me.... well, I spent a day with BF..... went out a few times with other cars..... life continues on.....
First.... the group meeting did not happen. BF spent week prior dealing with his alcoholic brother.... I went ahead and posted a reminder of this meeting to those in the group because he specifically asked me to (and we did have a long talk about my discomfort with the group and had worked out a solution...not perfect, but one that was workable for me.) Anyway part of this solution included him posting to the group that it was NOT A HOOK UP MEETING. As I suspected.... no one showed up. He really feels called to do this thing.... this helping of men to deal with their sexuality. The problem is that he has yet to deal with aspects of his own sexuality... and the solution that he wants to propose is not in reality a solution that anyone who wants to follow God should be doing....It creates hurt and uses people. A bit more in the open, but uses them none the less. I feel for him, but remain convinced that the call is there; but is in a far different area than he is able to embrace at this time. We ended up going to a movie.
Then.... my ex turns up pregnant from BF #8. Lots of drama there, too. Her family continues to be upset with her.....she miscarried last night. My feelings.... ambivelent.....however, she is not my problem. I did finally meet #8 when I picked up the kids from her apartment last night. I was a bit angry because she had promised me that she would not have him stay over while she had the kids..... Kids told me opposite happened. It was almost funny... when kids opened the door #8 quickly exited to back room. Ex wife had to call him back out.... he gave off body language that demonstrated embarassement and shame. He would not look me in the eye and talked little. Definately he did not read his "man book." Always look them in the eye. Never admit defeat... and don't show weakness. He lost on all three accounts.
Kids were hurt and upset by the pregnancy. Son asked her if she would still love him. Middle child curled up under pool table and cried for forty minutes. Eldest cussed her out.
Me.... well, I spent a day with BF..... went out a few times with other cars..... life continues on.....
Saturday, June 27, 2009
BF
So... I get online the day before yesterday to find that BF had posted on a group .... a Bi men's group. Now this group is basically a set of older men who claim to be bi... but in reality are probably gay and most definately only interested in getting togther to fuck... period.
BF has this thing about moderating this group. He has this need to help these men.... but I think more than anything he needs the affirmation that they provide to prove that what he has decided to do with his sexuality is the correct thing.... I, however, disagree with that choice.
So he sets up this meeting for Tuesday... which is supposedly our day together. This after we had the conversation where I described for him my problems with this group and why I do not want to facilitate them..... nor do I want to enable them to stay where they are at (cheating on their wives with men) I know.... I did the same thing.... Doesn't mean I seriously tried to prove that what I was doing was right. I knew it wasn't
So I called to talk. He has a migrane.
I ended up emailing him once again why I do not like this group and why I think he should let it die. We are enabling these men, not empowering. We do not call them to be anything beyond what they are. The call of God is absent in this group. I think he is a better man than this.
So.... we'll see if he pays attention to me. I really do not want him involved in this group because it reinforces his belief in himself and reinforces a split into two seperate BF's... the one that is married and therefore "normal" and the one that cheats on his wife with me. Only since he has himself split into two he does not consider it cheating. After all, he is with a man and not a woman. Give me a break. It's cheating. Period. Even I was never that dishonest.
So, pray for me once again as I navigate these waters with BF. I have taken a good look and sought out what my part is in this... what does it say about me.... I know that there is an aspect of being hurt because he knew how I felt about this group and yet he still took our day and set this meeting up.... took me for granted..... I know also that I tire of the double life he lives..... and that I find it difficult to leave because (yet once again) I have made a commitment... and I looked for 46 years before I found a man that I fit with....
Sometimes I think it'd be easier to not exist.
BF has this thing about moderating this group. He has this need to help these men.... but I think more than anything he needs the affirmation that they provide to prove that what he has decided to do with his sexuality is the correct thing.... I, however, disagree with that choice.
So he sets up this meeting for Tuesday... which is supposedly our day together. This after we had the conversation where I described for him my problems with this group and why I do not want to facilitate them..... nor do I want to enable them to stay where they are at (cheating on their wives with men) I know.... I did the same thing.... Doesn't mean I seriously tried to prove that what I was doing was right. I knew it wasn't
So I called to talk. He has a migrane.
I ended up emailing him once again why I do not like this group and why I think he should let it die. We are enabling these men, not empowering. We do not call them to be anything beyond what they are. The call of God is absent in this group. I think he is a better man than this.
So.... we'll see if he pays attention to me. I really do not want him involved in this group because it reinforces his belief in himself and reinforces a split into two seperate BF's... the one that is married and therefore "normal" and the one that cheats on his wife with me. Only since he has himself split into two he does not consider it cheating. After all, he is with a man and not a woman. Give me a break. It's cheating. Period. Even I was never that dishonest.
So, pray for me once again as I navigate these waters with BF. I have taken a good look and sought out what my part is in this... what does it say about me.... I know that there is an aspect of being hurt because he knew how I felt about this group and yet he still took our day and set this meeting up.... took me for granted..... I know also that I tire of the double life he lives..... and that I find it difficult to leave because (yet once again) I have made a commitment... and I looked for 46 years before I found a man that I fit with....
Sometimes I think it'd be easier to not exist.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Hiking the Appalachian
Ok... I admit it..... I have....
Hiked the Appalachian Trail.
Really... well, bits a pieces of it down on the NC/TN border. It really was a great time.. and not at all what the Governor of South Carolina expected...lol.
I find it amazing that the GOP (God's Only Party,) which posited itself as the party of morals... has had so many of its members fail to live up to its own standards. You'd think that by now they'd have learned the lesson in all of this... to never set one's self up as morally superior... but that doesn't seem to have happened just yet.
I have had a fairly decent two days off her... my house is clean, even down to the baseboards being washed. And now I have to go back to work for a five day stretch... Not really looking forward to it.... I've also been reading up on some blogs that I've neglected for a while. Including on finding myself surprised that our OK blogger has confirmed his secret gay identity. Congrats on that one and you do have my prayers as you make this journey. I hope that you navigate these waters with care and with a peace about who you are.....
BF off with wife to Capital City. Tide definately back in this past two weeks. I find myself continually thinking of him and praying about this situation. Pray for me... if that is what you do... or at least hold me and BF in the light. I find as these times of "tide in" come about that I become bound to him even tighter. God has to be involved in here somewhere and I desperately need to find God in the midst of this relationship.
Hiked the Appalachian Trail.
Really... well, bits a pieces of it down on the NC/TN border. It really was a great time.. and not at all what the Governor of South Carolina expected...lol.
I find it amazing that the GOP (God's Only Party,) which posited itself as the party of morals... has had so many of its members fail to live up to its own standards. You'd think that by now they'd have learned the lesson in all of this... to never set one's self up as morally superior... but that doesn't seem to have happened just yet.
I have had a fairly decent two days off her... my house is clean, even down to the baseboards being washed. And now I have to go back to work for a five day stretch... Not really looking forward to it.... I've also been reading up on some blogs that I've neglected for a while. Including on finding myself surprised that our OK blogger has confirmed his secret gay identity. Congrats on that one and you do have my prayers as you make this journey. I hope that you navigate these waters with care and with a peace about who you are.....
BF off with wife to Capital City. Tide definately back in this past two weeks. I find myself continually thinking of him and praying about this situation. Pray for me... if that is what you do... or at least hold me and BF in the light. I find as these times of "tide in" come about that I become bound to him even tighter. God has to be involved in here somewhere and I desperately need to find God in the midst of this relationship.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Hot sex in the summertime
Wow... this is my hundredth post!
Spent Thursday night with BF at a very nice hotel at a local casino. We were going to go... catch a movie.... maybe spend some time at the tables.
It was not to be. Both BF and I came off very stressful situations at work. He brought some bottled mojitos.... we drank, talked.... and held each other. Ended up in some of the hottest sex we have had... a real and very intimate time together. Wow..... breathtaking is all I can say.
It was one of those times when the connection was just so strong that it was overpowering. And so relaxing... to just talk and connect on all three levels (spiritual, emotional, and physical.)
It was just what I've needed.
Spent Thursday night with BF at a very nice hotel at a local casino. We were going to go... catch a movie.... maybe spend some time at the tables.
It was not to be. Both BF and I came off very stressful situations at work. He brought some bottled mojitos.... we drank, talked.... and held each other. Ended up in some of the hottest sex we have had... a real and very intimate time together. Wow..... breathtaking is all I can say.
It was one of those times when the connection was just so strong that it was overpowering. And so relaxing... to just talk and connect on all three levels (spiritual, emotional, and physical.)
It was just what I've needed.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Super massive blackhole.... not
I've only had one day off this week.... today.... spent it sleeping and washing clothes.... and watching the dog.
Yes... watching the dog.
My dog is a black lab... twelve years old.... and has liver failure. I can't afford the medication for the dog... its her medication or electricity and food for the kids. So I'm trying to make her as comfortable as possible. Have her penned in a hallway that has tile.... have a lot of old blankets down.... food and water; although she is no longer eating and has a hard time keeping even water down. I think she'll linger till Sunday or so.....
In the meantime ex has the kids (all but the eldest) They are apparently having an argument tonight. Middle child was texting eldest.... complaining about her mother and ex's new boyfriend. Ex apparently grabbed the phone and read the texts and was yelling at middle child. Then called eldest to be angry at her. Eldests husband answered the phone and told ex that the conversation was between eldest and middle and was really none of ex's business and neither would he let ex talk to eldest.
They are sitting on the couch, I am in recliner typing this. I asked what was going on, having heard the exchange.
Ex simply does not know how her actions affect these kids. In her anger towards me and my orientation she lashes out not only at me, but at her kids. She is slowly destroying her relationship with her kids. I am not interveening in this one. As I've said, I understand her desire... I have the same. What I don't understand is the anger/hatred that comes along.
So Ex is onto bf #8 at this point. He took my kids and the ex out to dinner and bought them books at the bookstore. Trying to be the nice replacement father for them. That is apparently what started the texting between middle and eldest. Then he let Ex and kids take the bus home. Apparently he doesn't have a car either.
I think I'll stick to my method. I have tried to be very upfront with my kids. They know when I'm out on a date. They know I have BF. And they know I want them to have a relationship with their mother (well, even though I hate her right now... but that is just because she continually tries to hurt me.....)
So I will blog and continue to seek to move beyond this place. I don't want to be stuck here... and I envision a future that includes me and a husband..... And I will settle for nothing less.
Yes... watching the dog.
My dog is a black lab... twelve years old.... and has liver failure. I can't afford the medication for the dog... its her medication or electricity and food for the kids. So I'm trying to make her as comfortable as possible. Have her penned in a hallway that has tile.... have a lot of old blankets down.... food and water; although she is no longer eating and has a hard time keeping even water down. I think she'll linger till Sunday or so.....
In the meantime ex has the kids (all but the eldest) They are apparently having an argument tonight. Middle child was texting eldest.... complaining about her mother and ex's new boyfriend. Ex apparently grabbed the phone and read the texts and was yelling at middle child. Then called eldest to be angry at her. Eldests husband answered the phone and told ex that the conversation was between eldest and middle and was really none of ex's business and neither would he let ex talk to eldest.
They are sitting on the couch, I am in recliner typing this. I asked what was going on, having heard the exchange.
Ex simply does not know how her actions affect these kids. In her anger towards me and my orientation she lashes out not only at me, but at her kids. She is slowly destroying her relationship with her kids. I am not interveening in this one. As I've said, I understand her desire... I have the same. What I don't understand is the anger/hatred that comes along.
So Ex is onto bf #8 at this point. He took my kids and the ex out to dinner and bought them books at the bookstore. Trying to be the nice replacement father for them. That is apparently what started the texting between middle and eldest. Then he let Ex and kids take the bus home. Apparently he doesn't have a car either.
I think I'll stick to my method. I have tried to be very upfront with my kids. They know when I'm out on a date. They know I have BF. And they know I want them to have a relationship with their mother (well, even though I hate her right now... but that is just because she continually tries to hurt me.....)
So I will blog and continue to seek to move beyond this place. I don't want to be stuck here... and I envision a future that includes me and a husband..... And I will settle for nothing less.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Freedom to choose
I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate your comments on this blog site. It is so comforting to know that others are on a similar journey. Sometimes I feel so alone. Trying to be a father.... put up with my admitedly crazy soon to be ex wife..... and trying to follow Jesus at the same time; all on a paycheck that is less than half of what I was making.
Tonight I left work and was on the way to the gym when I get a call from the ex. She is using her mother's van and is stuck in town. She has no idea what to do, but thinks it has something to do with the battery cables. This had happened a few weeks ago when she was up in Capital City and borrowed the van up there.... this was where she dumped the kids on her brother and then ended up spending the night with a new bf. Anyway I skipped the gym (and I just started going back...) went to find the cause. She didn't even know how to pop the hood.... I tried the simplest solution....checking for corosion on the cables which were very hard to get to.... tore the thing apart getting to it.... tried the soda trick... only to discover that the actual problem was the ground... which was much easier to get to. So I fixed the car. Ex then came up to my house to spend an hour or two since she had to pick her mother up at work. She starts by sitting on the walk out front talking on the phone. I finally went out and asked her to come in.... I just find it rude for someone to be at my house and not have the decency to come in and at least be polite. She finally does and spends two hours on the phone with a man she is obviously interested in.... At the end (since she did this in front of the children who were giving me embarassed looks) I told her to not come into my house and disrespect me by staying on the phone the entire time with someone she is obviously interested in.... I find it rude.... and disrespectful. If you can't give me your time then don't come over.
She got mad
duhhh.
And said that then she wouldn't come over at all. I told her that this was fine... was her decision... but she was going to respect my boundaries if she did come over. As she leaves she makes the comment that she was not interested in this person (I don't belive that) and that she was seeing someone else... and I needed to sign the divorce papers. (Which aren't even drawn up yet.)
Anyway she obviously is still hurt and still trying to hurt me as much as she can. And the thing is that I truly do understand... I understand the wanting to be with someone. I get it all. What I don't understand is the wanting to destroy someone..... and I've seen that in her attitude towards me for two years or so.... sometimes buried... and at times she has been very understanding. I want the understanding person back... but I think that one is buried by too much pain. And I have caused that pain.
And that is part of my dilemma with BF as well. I understand too much of where he is coming from. And I know... I've lived on the DL... I've had plenty of men in my life. And never have I met someone who fits so well.... including spirtually. So I stay. I see how rare this is.... but it is hard...so hard. I pray every single day about this. And yes, it is the "Christian Witchcraft" type of prayer. I know full well I can never abrogate his free will... but I so much want him to want to be with just me. This journey too, will have an end. Either we will be together or we will not.... but one thing I do know is that I do not want what I have with him now. I want more.
God is still in this journey. Despite what everyone thinks... including the one's who have discovered this blog and do know me... and suspect that this is me but have been too angry or afraid to confront me. This is my life. It is a combination of my own choices and those that have been forced on me by a society and a church that deems me to be less than worthy and definately bound for hell. Take your ownership of what you don't agree with. I have not had the freedom to choose that you so take for granted.
Tonight I left work and was on the way to the gym when I get a call from the ex. She is using her mother's van and is stuck in town. She has no idea what to do, but thinks it has something to do with the battery cables. This had happened a few weeks ago when she was up in Capital City and borrowed the van up there.... this was where she dumped the kids on her brother and then ended up spending the night with a new bf. Anyway I skipped the gym (and I just started going back...) went to find the cause. She didn't even know how to pop the hood.... I tried the simplest solution....checking for corosion on the cables which were very hard to get to.... tore the thing apart getting to it.... tried the soda trick... only to discover that the actual problem was the ground... which was much easier to get to. So I fixed the car. Ex then came up to my house to spend an hour or two since she had to pick her mother up at work. She starts by sitting on the walk out front talking on the phone. I finally went out and asked her to come in.... I just find it rude for someone to be at my house and not have the decency to come in and at least be polite. She finally does and spends two hours on the phone with a man she is obviously interested in.... At the end (since she did this in front of the children who were giving me embarassed looks) I told her to not come into my house and disrespect me by staying on the phone the entire time with someone she is obviously interested in.... I find it rude.... and disrespectful. If you can't give me your time then don't come over.
She got mad
duhhh.
And said that then she wouldn't come over at all. I told her that this was fine... was her decision... but she was going to respect my boundaries if she did come over. As she leaves she makes the comment that she was not interested in this person (I don't belive that) and that she was seeing someone else... and I needed to sign the divorce papers. (Which aren't even drawn up yet.)
Anyway she obviously is still hurt and still trying to hurt me as much as she can. And the thing is that I truly do understand... I understand the wanting to be with someone. I get it all. What I don't understand is the wanting to destroy someone..... and I've seen that in her attitude towards me for two years or so.... sometimes buried... and at times she has been very understanding. I want the understanding person back... but I think that one is buried by too much pain. And I have caused that pain.
And that is part of my dilemma with BF as well. I understand too much of where he is coming from. And I know... I've lived on the DL... I've had plenty of men in my life. And never have I met someone who fits so well.... including spirtually. So I stay. I see how rare this is.... but it is hard...so hard. I pray every single day about this. And yes, it is the "Christian Witchcraft" type of prayer. I know full well I can never abrogate his free will... but I so much want him to want to be with just me. This journey too, will have an end. Either we will be together or we will not.... but one thing I do know is that I do not want what I have with him now. I want more.
God is still in this journey. Despite what everyone thinks... including the one's who have discovered this blog and do know me... and suspect that this is me but have been too angry or afraid to confront me. This is my life. It is a combination of my own choices and those that have been forced on me by a society and a church that deems me to be less than worthy and definately bound for hell. Take your ownership of what you don't agree with. I have not had the freedom to choose that you so take for granted.
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